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Discussion Topic: The Goal of Social Life Improvements
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 redface |
04-22-2004 @ 3:18 AM |
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Member
Joined: Jan. 2004
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I have just completed lesson 8 of the Panic Program, and I have been reminded that one of the most important goals I want to have is being around more people who make me feel better about being me. I have to get over my fears and challenge my negative thoughts that people don't want to spend time with me. I really want to spend time with other people, however,sometimes those people are other men, and not my husband. This sets up a whole fear of blushing thing. ALso, I want to find some female girlfriends but I don't seem to be too good at that either lately. How have you been able to overcome low self esteem, and go after the friends that you really wanted? Any suggestions?
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| sky |
04-22-2004 @ 9:17 AM |
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Joined: Oct. 2003
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Hi Reface,
This is going to sound a bit extreme, maybe. But here goes. I believe in order to make good friends you have to be ruthless. What I mean by this is you have to be willing to disregard the people who make you feel bad. I think one of the biggest problems in society is that people settle for second hand happiness - Living through other people, living by an image, living to please others, stuff like that.
Theres no shame in being ruthless where your friendships are concerned. I don't mean be rude to everyone you don't like! But by all means, feel and know the difference between an aquatence and a friend. Also one of the hardest things to overcome with low self esteem is slipping into bad habits, setting yourself up for a downfall. If you're a people pleaser, it's that guilt you have to work on! If your worse fears come true and people don't want to spend time with you, stuff them, you didn't need those individuals in your life to begin with. Just be ruthless and move on to the next bunch of people, and the next etc. Make your motto in this goal "if someone makes you feel bad, get rid of them" Good luck, keep us posted. 
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| bob |
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04-22-2004 @ 11:04 AM |
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Joined: Apr. 2004
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Hi redface, I don't have any suggestions for you (I suck at making and maintaining friends), but I'm glad you started this thread. I'm starting to see just how big of an impact anxiety has on me. There are areas of my life that I wasn't even aware it touched. My relationships with others is one of them. I guess anxiety can't be boxed only as pstd, gad, ocd, social anxiety, etc. The traits run across different lines. While I'm more gad, I recognize now that I have many traits of social anxiety.
It's such a terrible feeling to not feel "a part of" people around me. I desire close relationships, but I'm too self-focused to be able to open up and enjoy a friendship on an equal level. I feel unworthy. But when I spend time talking with someone, it usually helps me feel better. I'm looking forward to hearing how things go for you...I'm still six weeks behind where you are...so it's nice to hear your experiences with this - I want to work on this area too...:).
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| DiAnn |
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05-19-2004 @ 3:36 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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The sorry part about being older than 7, with baggage (husbands & kids) is that the friends you make are of a flimsy sort of material. I am speaking by my own experiences, but it's like "Sure we can do 'Girls Night Out'" once in a blue moon, but where is the friend you can stay up with all night just talking to, and exploring your feelings with? Ever just want to have a slumber party, look me up! I've been thinking about reconnecting with some long lost friends from high school. Just throw a slumber party at some hotel, do the fingernails, makeup, booze and snacks thing. But I just don't do it!!! Maybe I will make it a goal to build from!!
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| Leela |
05-24-2004 @ 3:02 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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WOW, I read this thread and I feel like I'm home, lol!!! I too am feeling down & unworthy and I don't feel I belong anywhere. I feel as though I give out so much and get nothing back! Sometimes I just write it off as the ol' "Society Sucks" thing, but then I think, 'why can't I make friends? I'm young with no baggage and little responsibility, it should be easy.' Still, it's like I don't have a place in this world. Oh the joy of early 20's. I hope you all are well and if anyone has some advice for me, I'd LOVE to hear it! Thanks for reading.
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| Alexandra
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05-24-2004 @ 6:31 PM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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Leela...oh yes...I remember the early twenties. Sometimes it
feels like things are so hard and everybody is just out for
themselves and nobody really cares about anyone else.
It is really hard to make real friends, people who you want to
open up with and who you can trust.
But I also thing one of the most important things in life, is to
not need anybody else. Just to feel good about being on your
own...is an important step.
I think society puts so much pressure on us to be "social" and
always go out every friday and saturday night...that if you
don't you feel like some kind of freak or something!!
Well believe me....so many people don't fit into this "social
stereotype" .
So just be relaxed and ok with where you are at now is all I
can say for you. because although it may not be there
now...opportunities will come about where you will meet
people who you like, if you are actively participating in stuff
like sports, work etc etc.
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| Leela |
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05-24-2004 @ 11:05 PM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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Thanks Alexandra.I do feel good about being on my own, just rather worthless sometimes, haha. Thanks for replying to my post, I really appreciate it. Take care. 
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| lisa |
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05-25-2004 @ 9:05 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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leela/ alexandra: i found that my anxiety had a huge impact on making new friends or going out in general. I always felt like I was performing and that my friendships weren't authentic. Over the past two years I have been working on stagefright. I started this work because I had to make a few presentations on anxiety and panic and (big surprise) I got anxious and panicky. The blushing was the worst. I worked with a group on stage fright and the most important thing I learned was that it was everywhere in my life- not just when I had to make a public speech. I realized that I had been placing myself 'on a stage' everyday and also in new social situations. This meant to me that I would be judged by others. To make a long story short the best thing I learned is that due to my perfectionism I would plan every detail out before I even went anywhere. I was so afraid of spontaneity because this means I lacked control of a situation. I learned to stop expecting myself to 'perform' and began viewing any social situation as simply 'sharing'. Even public speaking. I mean, who can judge you for sharing? It was my fear of being judged that made me nervous and panicky in social situations. When my brain started planning out every detail I would snap or pinch myself to get back on track. I would repeat over and over,"I'm just sharing, that's all." There's some really great books on stage fright that I found also worked for my panic as well. I hope this info is of some help.
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| Alexandra
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05-27-2004 @ 10:39 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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Lisa,
I have felt the same way. Always when I go out I feel like it is
a performance, and I get all the anxiety that may come about
from "performing " in front of a large crowd. Like being on
stage in a play or something. And I feel like all eyes are on
me and everybody is judging my every move. It really doesn't
make much sense to me and is very frightening sometimes.
Its funny, I appear on the outside to be friendly, and great in
social situations most of the time, but on the inside I am dying
and never ever enjoy myself socially. Which has lead to me
not wanting to do a lot socially. When I start feeling this way
with my oldest friends...it is really hard. When I have spoken
to people about it( like friends, boyfriends)...I feel like they
don't believe me, because I seem to hide what I am feeling
rather well....
But one thing that has really helped me, is feeling ok with just
doing what makes me comfortable in life. I have struggled on
for so many years putting myself in incredibly uncomfortable
situations...because I believed it was "normal" to be social....
going out after dreading something for weeks on
end...feeling anxious about it day in and day out....ALWAYS
though, it was never as bad as I made it out to be...however
all the panic and feelings of dread leading up to it just isn't
worth it. Now I try to just go out when I feel up to it and stay
home when I don't and I really really try not to beat myself up
because I am some kind of loser who can't be social.
I think I will definitely look into the stage fright books, sounds
like a great idea.
Do you know what it is, and where it came from for us to
believe we have to perform when we are "social"? I get so
angry at myself sometimes for not just being able to relax and
enjoy spending time with my friends.
I know I am missing out on so many wonderful things in life
because of this imense fear I have of social situations. And I
have proved to myself that I can go through them, I always
do...but I never ever enjoy it, I always suffer throughout the
whole experience, believing everybody is judging me...but
what is worse, is when it is over I almost collapse in a mess
and judge myself also at how badly I "performed".
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| lisa |
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05-28-2004 @ 11:38 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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alexandra: i definately agree with you. I always think 'comfort first'. I don't enjoy public speaking and it's one of those things where if I had to do it, i would. I don't put myself into situations just so I can tackle my anxiety. I mean if we didn't have a little anxiety we wouldn't be human right? Life without adrenaline and excitement would be pretty boring. Unlike public speaking I do enjoy meeting new people... so it was great that I could tackle both public speaking and social phobia at one time. The book that I did my exercises out of is called "overcoming stage fright". i don't know the author off hand, but I can post the name if you can't find it.
In answer to your question about what it is and where it came from... i really don't know. It's so different for everybody. For me, I knew that it had something to do with being in control and perfectionism. I had to explore why I thought now being perfect was wrong. I started there and sort of worked backwards. I found that alot of this lied in upbringing.
I used to be a competitive figure skater and i was always pushed to 'win the gold'. THis message was loud and clear from both parents and my coaches. I had learnt that it wasn't the process of work, but the end result. What a shame. Wanting to always please others and win, win, win, taught me (unfortuneately) that being perfect was absolutley necessary. I ended up disliking skating and always felt 'watched' after my skating days were over at 17. "I hope I'm doing O.K. I hope this is good enough."- these thoughts controlled my days and actions. My perfectionism was just transferred from my skating to schoolwork and any other sports I did. It was tough to learn a new way to think. I really can't say what conquering social phobia would lead you to. I just knew that I wanted to understand. I also knew that nobody was going to fix it for me... and that was the toughest part. I suggest though that you tackle it with someone (like a therapist or close friend) Hope you're having a great day. talk to ya soon!
Lisa N
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| Alexandra
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05-29-2004 @ 9:39 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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Lisa,
Thanks so much for that book! I think i will give it a go....yeah
it is tough...I would love to enjoy meeting up with people and
meeting new people more than i do now....and it is tough
realising that all the answers are within US...and that nobody
else is going to fix anything for us.
I think perfectionism is definitely where it comes from. And
always wanting to please others and be whatever they want
us to be...whether it be a new person we meet or somebody
who has actually "expected" stuff of us...like for you your
coach. Never wanting to disappoint people to the point
where we harm ourselves in the mean time.
Its really interesting actually and it is something I want to
understand more.
For me...even as a child i felt "watched" even at home, when I
was all alone...I would think thoughts like "imagine if so and
so from school was looking at me now" etc etc to the point
where I would feel all the anxiety that would go along with
them actually seeing me....its so amazing how powerful our
brains are. I definitely know that all my life through these
varying thoughts I have perpetuated my condition. I have led
my brain to believe that this level of anxiety is normal and the
thoughts I have are ok.
Thanks so much for replying to me...I feel like you truely
understand my position and just talking about this now is
making me realise so many things and gives me hope that I
won't always be like this. I think its fantastic that you have
moved ahead and I am going to try the same route!!
Thanks Lisa! I hope you are having a great day also!
Alex W
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| i am so crazy |
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05-30-2004 @ 2:40 AM |
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Joined: May. 2004
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HELLO,
I AM NEW TO THIS GROUP. I TOOK THE ANXIETY TEST BUT I HAVE ALSO BEEN SEEING A DOCTOR FOR OVER TWO YEARS AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF ANY OF THIS REALLY DOES HELP. IT JUST DOESN'T CHANGE FOR ME AT ALL. I TAKE MEDICATIONS BUT I STILL CAN'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT GETTING SICK AND THROWING UP. I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY OWN FAMILY OR ANYONE ELSE. I CRINGE IF I THINK SOMEONE HAS PULLED INTO MY YARD. I HAVE A HUSBAND OF 33 YEARS AND I KNOW THIS IS GETTING HIM DOWN. I FEEL YUCKY. I KNOW IN MY HEAD THAT I SHOULD BE NORMAL BUT IT IS LIKE MY BODY JUST TAKES OVER. I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE BECAUSE I GET SO NERVOUS I CAN'T THINK OR SEE. EVERYTHING IS GETTING SO BAD. I HAVE LET DOWN EVERYONE I KNOW AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PITTY THING BUT I REALLY HAVE. WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER DAY. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD AND THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE THAT I CAN'T STRAIGHTEN UP. YES, I WOULD LOVE NOT TO BE HERE BUT MY STEP SON SHOT HIMSELF TWO YEARS AGO AND I SAW WHAT THAT DID TO THE FAMILY AND ALSO THERE IS GOD. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO. I AM SO TIRED. MY FRIENDS THINK I HATE THEM AND SO DOES MY FAMILY BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO ANY FUNCTIONS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HAD A LITTLE ANXIETY BUT NOW IT IS OUT OF CONTROL. IT JUST SEEMS TOO HARD TO EVER TURN INTO A REAL HUMAN AGAIN. I KNOW, POOR POOR ME. ANYWAY, IS THERE ANYONE THAT HAS FELT LIKE THIS AND FOUND A WAY OUT. I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS TO STOP. THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY MOOD.
ROBERTA
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| redface |
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06-13-2004 @ 5:41 PM |
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Joined: Jan. 2004
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Dear Roberta...I feel very sorry for you...I feel your pain. You have an illness, and what ever you have tried has not worked much. For me some things get better and other things get worse from time to time. Your doctor is not helping you, maybe you need a new one, or different medications or something...because what you are doing right now is not working! If you try this site it may pinpoint some of your thoughts that lead to your condition, which may help you to get through life better, but please give it a try. I am now finished the program, and I have not had any panic for over one month. But I still get a little anxious from time to time. Now my depression is coming more into focus. But I will try to battle that too. I do believe in God too, a loving God who cares about us. But he has a plan, and until it is accomplished, we will have to continue to suffer the effects of mankind's imperfections. I know you feel even worse thinking that you are displeasing God, but he understands you have an illness, so he understands everything. When I was a teen, my love for God and thought of displeasing him is what kept me alive...maybe it's the same for you. Keep thinking about how you are pleasing him to just keep going and staying alive, to be able to help others in the future and get your life back...When I am on medications that help, I can do more with my life, and serve God better. So I keep trying to fight the fight. Please tell your doctor whatever you are doing is not working and you want to change. Or else see another doctor. It is a sickness, just like a broken leg, or cancer, or diabetes; sometimes this kind of illness also has physical components which need to be looked after, such as Thyroiditis, which I also have, or other illnesses combined with the anxiety. So please get checked out more....take care...
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| Posted By |
Discussion Topic: The Goal of Social Life Improvements
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