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| Posted By |
Discussion Topic: Success and Regret
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 PainisLove |
10-28-2004 @ 2:46 AM |
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Member
Joined: Oct. 2004
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Hi everyone, im new here and let me tell you all about myself....I want everyone to listen real close because this will be the realist lesson you will get...I am a normal person, 25 years old, grew up "normal" had a few insecurities and fears but nothing big deal. My origins however have probably had a more severe effect on my. I was born overseas in country that was going through a severe civil war, although I was too young to know, the realities of war and death stuck in my head...I was born into a cynical and dark world...but I did grow up stateside in a typical American upbringing...My first symptoms started when I was 14 years old, I was involved in a severecar accident (although I was unhurt, my mijd sure was)...2 years later started suffering panic attacks...although I was healthy and a good athelete, I was convinced I had heart problems..and asked coach to pull me out of games....I went to the hospital and they referred me to a therapist...and man did that help...I went on to college and had a wondeful college experience, fraternity, lots of friends, popularity, fun, girls, booze, the whole nine....then toward the end of school I moved back him and the symptoms came back and I could never complete my last few classes in order to graduate...I had always had high goals for myself and a dream of attending law school and now all that was on hold....I went through bouts of attacks which went away gradually....then my life went on and I started being happy again....Then one day I met the girl of my dreams....really...amazing...we dated and I know it was real..I wanted to finish my schooling and proceed to grad school in order to help my relationship get to the next level..then BOOM...attacks came back out of the blue...and this time much worse....if you think your panic was bad...I was feeling complete unreality...I was questioning life...feeling out of body...completely bizarre and shocking, totally destablizing....I owned up to myself to get help becuase I knew I had gotten through this before...I went to a therapist and Ill be honest it really didnt help me much....then one day I just woke up and said..im freakin sick of this ****...I was so angry with wasting time and being unproductive that the next time I panicked I challeneged it...I challenged it to do whatever it wanted to me...I said go ahead take over...flip me upside down I dont care...take your toll....then it just vanished....I found happiness again..I found purpose...became more determined than ever to improve myself....PEOPLE get mad...be mad at yourself and most importantly dont isolate yourself...go out there and see people making things happen...being productive....FEEL COMPETETIVE...I told myself...dude..you wanna get it like that guy is getting it there...comparing myself to hot heavy hitting going places type guys..I went out to hot night spots and jet setting places where people are alive...I took myself to the city...to where it was happening outside my doldrums...it felt good..I became mad...mad at myself for wasting to much time and I laughed...I just laughed....and worked hard...woke up early...started working better, being a better person, releasing the anger, being a good friend, a good son etc...I laughed and became funny and witty again.....but guess what? No sooner did I get a phone from my girl telling me she needs space....she needed time to herself....then it hit me...in all this time I had neglected the one thing that meant so much to me...and its done...as much as I wanna say hey she should have stuck by me she should have understood what I was going through...the truth is during those months I destroyed her...I killed her feelings....listen my first few days..Ill be honest..I though the panic would come back with a vengeance...I was driving and I felt it creeping up and I though oh man I couldnt survive this for a second this whole life this whole worlds seemed unreal...should I drive myself to a hospital what should I do?? Then I paused and thought no...you destroyed me before you wont again...and it went away...never came back....Moral of the story is...no matter what you are going through.I been through it...the worst kind of panic and anxiety, the one that makes everything unreal..and that is the scariest because its beyond thinking you have something wrong with you or you jhave an illness, its the kind where you dont want to exist yet you fear existence and non existence alike...total helplessness....well guess what....I overcame it and so WILL YOU>..trust me on this...I did it without meds....(but scotch did help some nights honestly)...go out see how the world is going on and functioning just fine...and be mad...be mad enough to join it again...and be productive...go out have fun be around people...laugh....TRUST ME YOU WILL GET OVER IT...I thouught I never would...thought it would haunt me forever.....and I am a normal guy, been told im a completely attractive package in intellect and looks, etc...and to imagine at one point I thought I was nothing and I felt it....well now I am here with open arms to anyone....I feel all of you...and I love all of you..because reading some of your stories during some tough bouts gave me hope that I wasnt alone...I am here to share my success with you....and my pain...I have lost the love of my life and I am devestated emotionally...but life goes on and I do not panic...Im channeling my anger to imporve the product that is me....there is light...there is hope...its right in front of you sometimes and you dont see it...to all of you who feel stuck...just remember my story...remember not to take those of you in front of you who love you and want to help you for granted....cause you might one day face a tougher more daunting task than dealing with panic and anxiety...the feeling of driving someone you love away from you....life is happy and its beautiful but it challenges you everyday...face those challenged and know you are stong..you can do it....I hope I have helped one person on here with my story...it makes me happy...Good Bless you all..
if anyone wants to chat you can email me at [email protected], I will check it as often as I can becuase I am spending so much time getting through school and working out at the gym to get that body that I always wanted!
lonelyinSC
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| Josie, Support Specialist |
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10-28-2004 @ 9:35 AM |
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Moderator
Joined: Mar. 2004
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Painislove,
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with us. You seem to well on your way to recovery. Please feel free to browse around the site and use any tools or references that might be of assistance to you. You can also take a look at our Panic Program!
Please continue to post with our online support group. These individuals are knowledgeable and supportive. You would be a wonderful asset for all.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Josie
______________________________
The Panic Center Support Team.
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| dCheryl |
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10-30-2004 @ 3:03 PM |
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Member
Joined: Feb. 2004
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Wow. What a story....Even though there is no fairy tale ending you still managed to over come your panic. I think that's awesome.
Please though....don't for one minute think your episodes of panic were any worse than any of ours. We too have suffered greatly. I for one reached a point where I attempted suicide (the cowards way out I hear but when I was at my worse, NOTHING mattered). Knowing I recovered from that helped me when the panic returned a couple of years later. I have beat this once, I will beat it again.
I have also found that getting angry helps...along with crying my eyes out. Seems by doing one of these two things, we are channeling our engergies somewhere else. Makes for great stress relief.
I'm so happy that you have gotten your life back and have returned to school. Who knows....you may just fall in love again one day too. Best of luck to you in all that you do.
Cheryl
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| PainisLove |
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10-31-2004 @ 1:29 AM |
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Member
Joined: Oct. 2004
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thanks so much....also I did not mean to imply Ihave suffered more or worse than anyone...just was emphasizing that I had it real bad...desabilizing bad...people...im just saying maybe I snapped out of it in a very unorthodox way..now I deal with a broken heart...and I thought this would send me over the hill...but it hasnt....im more at peace now than ever
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Discussion Topic: Success and Regret
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